Mike

Mike was one of my best friends for years and we sort of always flirted. Then finally after like four years of this we slept together - we were drunk. (Yup.) The next day he literally couldnt look me in the eye. It was like he was Dustin Hoffman in Rainman. So i was like, fine, whatever, and left, and the following Saturday night we were at a party and hooked up again. I said, Michael im not going home with you, you dick, you couldn't even look at me last week and he said no no no it'll be fine, come on... So I did, and we did, and the next day, same treatment. So obviously I then went okay, he's a moron, and stopped any and all flirtations and just dialled down the friendship. Then about a year and a half later Mike went travelling around south america and started emailing me long funny emails and signing off with 'love' and eventually with 'i love you' (!!) and was asking me to come join him, talkinga bout how amazing it would be to watch the sun go down over the ocean, bullshitbullshitbullshit.
(Clearly no woman in South America was dumb enough to sleep with him, he had to order out.)
Of COURSE i did not go to South America.
When he got back he rang and said hey, how are you, i said great, thinking he might ask me out for a drink, and he said well i met someone in Brazil, she's living with me now.
I mean - there are no words. Except, of course, bastard