Chris

Your bastard should definitely be named Chris. I have had long-term relationships with 3 Chrises, all were bastards.

You want chapter and verse? Oooh, I think the worst would be when Chris said 'should I get the baby paternity-tested?' - we'd been married 2 years when the baby was born and I've never been unfaithful to him.

I did freelance work for an ex named Chris and - between various one-night-stands - he conned me into doing 2K worth of work for his company without mentioning they were going bankrupt. So I didn't get paid.

Another Chris loved to play mind games and bullshit - he was another manipulative, untrustworthy bastard.

In my experience all Colins are nice guys and almost all Chrises are bastards. (Don't believe me? Colin Firth. Enough said.)